Today, my failure comes in the form of a little blue pill. As of about 11:00 this morning, I was officially diagnosed with post-partum depression. Yay. As if the mental health diagnosis weren't enough, I also got an anti-depressant to go with it. You may be thinking to yourself, "But, Emily, weren't you on Zoloft during your pregnancy? Why is this a big deal?" and you'd be partially correct in thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I was prescribed Zoloft for my pregnancy depression, but I never took it. I couldn't do it.
Now, however, this crappy, hormone-induced depression is screwing with my relationship with my son, and is making me a kind of mother and person I never wanted to be. The kind who very seriously considers never coming home from a trip to the grocery store, and the kind who would prefer to do just about anything rather than spend time with the demanding, pukey little person who will some day call me mom. So, I'm swallowing my pride along with the Zoloft. I can't go on like this and expect to survive without my husband and my son both hating me.
I know that there's no shame in taking medications to help with mental health issues. Hell, I've given that speech to friends of mine. But there's still a little part of my brain that is loudly protesting that I'm strong enough to beat this on my own, despite the fact that I've proven that part of my brain wrong over and over again.
On the plus side, my OB figured out that my depressions seem to be caused by too much progesterone and too little estrogen, so when my periods come back, my sanity should, too. This almost makes me wish I had my period again. Almost.
8 comments:
i am not very good at advise but all i can say you are doing the right thing - heading in the right direction... take care of YOU now before its too late - all the baby wants right now is to see your face and feel your hugs.
<< hugs to u >>
Aw Em, don't feel bad about it. You are doing the right thing & you are not alone, many many women deal with it. It doesn't make you a bad mom or wife, it is something you can not control. I wish you the best!
And thanks for sharing your feelings & experiences openly. XOXO
(((hugs)))
::HUGS::
And take your meds!! You do not want to let it escalate to the point where you start having psychotic episodes. Trust me on that one. :)
This is so completely not in anyway shape or form a failure, I actually read this post and thought the opposite. This is a success for you and your hubby and your little man, you'll feel better, and what's not joyous about that?
bananas is right, you are taking a step in the right direction. This way you will be able to enjoy the quirky little things that make your little man the light of your life.
::hugs::
Hey Emily, I happened to link over here from Stacey's blog and I just wanted to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a little chemical help for your situation. I was on the blue pill during my last few weeks of pregnancy and the first few months post-partum because of severe anxiety issues. I understand how difficult it is to admit to yourself that you can't deal with the problem on your own, but all the medication represents is a rope being thrown down into your little hole. It will still be YOU who pulls yourself out of that hole, you're just getting a little bit of help to get started.
Hang in there, I hope you're feeling better soon.
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